I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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