I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
