well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
