I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He shit in the fireplace
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
