It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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