well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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