They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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