where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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