Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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