New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
