just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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