So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
