One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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