I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
