dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
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