Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
