I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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