I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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