tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
