I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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