My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
