if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
