I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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