"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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