it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
