How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
