i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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