Me. At least after what I've been through.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
