I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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