Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
