I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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