I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
