At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
