We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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