The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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