i think my mom watched the whole time
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
