I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
