So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
