Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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