i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
