Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
