had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
