The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
