I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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