the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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