Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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