I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
