I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
