I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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