What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
