You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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