You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
